Police Chief Smolka, a genuine jerk, retired after thirty-three years of service in the NYPD last week. Smolka led the way in oppressing participants in Manhattan Critical Mass rides after the huge success of the 2004 RNC Mass.
Last night, Critical Mass presented him with a going away gift: a bicycle. A pretty good joke, it took some doing to pull off. The police tactic for dealing with the mild chaos of Critical Mass is to hand out bullshit tickets immediately the ride begins. To pre-empt this pre-emptive measure, the whole ride of some 175 or so people walked from Union Square (the regular starting point)to the 9th precinct, in order to offer the bike without losing the integrity of the Mass.
Note the double meaning of 'integrity'!
The Rude Mechanical Orchestra accompanied the Mass. RMO, baby!--a marching band replete with dancers. This made for a much more exciting trip than mere boisterous walking would have done.
At the precinct, The Mass stood on one side of the sidewalk, while the cops stood, scowling, on the other. Everyone knew, however, that the scowls overcompensated for smiles: the cops thought the whole thing hilarious, not least because Smolka is quite fat.
The cops didn't play along, then, but merely continued with the usual routine of feigning a compelling need to control a not-at-all unruly situation. The whole force would do well to take more prunes in their diet.
At any rate, some guy made a few jokes and then a couple of people walked the bike over to the cops, who refused the 'peace offering' with that strained cop etiquette which so pathetically colours all of their intercourse. "Thank you, please"--who the hell says, "Thank you, please"? What does that even mean?
The performance over, the real ride began, and the cops ticketed two people--for improper front lights.
Oh Smolka! They're just not your streets!
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